This is probably one of the most personal posts I’ve done so far. I wanted to share this story and my experience of it with people who check my website or who are interested in me because it was an important and pivotol moment of my life. Something that people don’t necessarily see when they look at me.
On September the 3rd 2014 I was attacked by a ‘homeless guy’ in Hollywood. It was at El Curitto and Lexington Avenue. I was walking from my car to an appointment with my dialect coach when I saw a guy coming towards me out of the corner of my eye. I chose to ignore it even though my gut told me he was coming for me. He then punched me on the side of my face.
No… I did not provoke him, give him any eye contact, or see him before I got out of my car. There was nothing that I did for him to come up and hit me. Which seems to be something people who ask me about it can’t get their heads around.
I remember a few things going through my head 1)That actually didn’t hurt that much 2)Why the hell did you do that? 3)I am not a victim. The last one came from suppressed anger and sadness built up over time from when I was a kid/teenager and was bullied. Any person who made me feel like a victim and I let them get away with it, all became this man stood in front of me who just punched me.
I had a choice…I could either run (My dialects coaches building was just round the corner and I’m a fast runner :P) OR I could stay and finally stick up for myself. Finally get to unleash some of that rage on someone who deserved it and wasn’t going to get away with it! I chose the latter 🙂 While this may not have been the smartest choice as the guy may have had a knife or a gun it was a split second decision that I don’t regret.
I threw down my bag and phone onto the floor and started to punch this guys face. Overtime I hit him it was like a drug and it wasn’t enough I kept going pounding his face with my fists! We were fighting for a few minutes I’m guessing and he hit me in my nose. My nose fractured and the blood started gushing out like a waterfall. I was wearing a white t-shirt. The kind your careful incase you spill anything on 😛 and the blood was going everywhere BUT I didn’t care anymore. The guy backed away but he was waiting for me to go again. I told him politely to F***K off and he walked across the road yelling at me pacing back and forth.
It started to dawn on me what happened. The adrenaline was still pumping but I was coming down. I realised this guy is still crazy angry! He may come back with a knife or gun or friends. I took a picture of him on my phone little did I know it didn’t come out that clear. I was thinking I need this as proof incase he tries to kill me. I called the police and the woman asked where I was. The guy was still pacing on the opposite side of the road waiting for me to start fighting again! She asked if I needed an ambulance. I said Yes. BIG MISTAKE!!!! Never take an ambulance in LA unless you are literally dying! They cost $1000 and more. Something you find out after a traumatic incident!;) At this point I was willing to take whatever would make me feel safe again.
After dealing with the fact I’ve just been attacked it was on to the hospital where the police met me to make a statement. Then I waited on a hospital bed on my own looking at the ceiling recapping over what just happened. Thoughts running through my head like… will I ever look the same again? Why did this happen to me? I’m scared! I don’t want to be alone! I remember taking the pictures in the bed to be able to see my face and the changes because I felt it swelling and to almost get out of the moment. It all felt too intense!
I did all the scans and found I had a fractured nose and a laberum tear in my shoulder. Luckily I had a friends who took care of me and made me tomato soup and grilled cheese to make me feel better but I was a recluse. I didn’t want to leave the house for a while.When people spoke to me I was so aware of my personal space. I couldn’t breathe properly after I had the plastic on my nose and the support in there to keep the bones in the right position which makes you panic.
You can see here in this video how I spent my birthday with friends in Long beach on a boat listening to Earth Wind and Fire – September. There were some really fun times still had. I had to push myself to go out and do them though because most of the time I wanted to stay in this little safe cocoon in my room.
I didn’t want to model (but then again I didn’t really have a choice with my face healing) or act or be vulnerable in any way. Modelling seemed like such a silly thing to dedicate my life to when my life had just been at risk.
I started seeing a therapist about the attack and he helped me through a lot of what happened. Having someone to talk to completely honestly no matter how irrational it may seem was the best thing to happen to me. I found that I didn’t care if they found the guy or not because it didn’t take back what happened to me. I was actually more angry about the questions or reactions people had after it happened. I was angry with God or Higher power whatever you want to call it for not having my back. For letting it happen to me.
Overall I can now say I am grateful for that experience. It taught me so much about myself. It could have been a lot worse but it helped me see the importance I put on the way I look on the outside and how it affects my relationships with people. My own mortality. What really matters in life (People I love that love me, Not being defeated by circumstance, Taking care of myself, My safety). I am a fighter and I don’t have to stand for that shit.
What I think I want to say is things are not all as they seem. People look at me in a picture or person and they don’t see my journey, the same as I don’t always see it in other people but one thing is true when we open up we are not alone.